The Definitive Guide to Sounding Intellectually S***

A Plain Language Encyclopedia to Boost Your Intellectual Projection


Startup

When you sell food on a stall, it is a Small Business. When you set out to fill out the demand in the market of hungry stomachs with your unique idea – it’s a Startup.

Agile Management 

A project management approach used for effective and timely project delivery, but fails to do any of it due to the numerous rounds of iterations.

Web 3.0 

Anything that you could think of that can be powered by artificial intelligence, crypto or blockchain or simply something that comes after Web 2.0.

Blockchain 

A term used to tick off governments and institutions by making them think they’re missing out on something big when they’re actually not.

Capacity Building 

A way to motivate employees into working harder but never smarter.

Bootcamp 

Befriending a group of unknowns for a few days in return for a certificate that authenticates a skill you never really had.

Lead Generation 

Term used to help bosses and senior executives remain calm by mid-level management in the midst of a financial disaster.

Empirical Evidence 

Random numbers used as a reference just to prove your point despite how stupid it may be.

Organic Growth 

A process with no major outcome, that helps employees guarantee job security for another 6 months.

Networking 

Community Building sessions that only help to develop and nurture fragile egos and narcissistic attitudes.

Inclusive Approach

Moments when big bosses or senior executives invite junior staff for lunch only for it to be captured and portrayed on mainstream media.

Metaverse 

Yet another universe where the average human will be offered endless possibilities but would not be able to avail any due to their socio-economic status – alas, the average human will always be poor no matter what universe they live in.

Go-to-Market Strategy

Decorating a not so exciting product or service with failed ideas, bundle of lies, some aesthetic designs and a crazy tagline – enough to entice the not knowing to sell their kidney and get their hands on the product.

Value Proposition 

A proposition that sounds highly intellectual but rarely adds value to existing products, services or internal processes.

Value Addition 

Increasing the price of an ordinary apple by wrapping a fancy red ribbon around it. 

Brand positioning 

Taking your product from one failed market to another failed market and ripping of huge amounts of money in the name of marketing expense.

Product Market Fit

A cool term to make you sound like you actually know the market when in reality you just googled ‘XYZ Competitors’.

Smart Contract

Something to do with NFTs, maybe.

Vertically Integrated

When a whole business is run by friends and family. The Vertical Integration of ‘Resources’ allows better process handling and eliminates the need for any outside influence.

Range Anxiety

The syndrome you get when your brand new EV (electric vehicle) cannot make the trip from Islamabad to Lahore in one charge – leading you to buy a petrol powered generator just “in case”.

Artificial Intelligence

When big companies hire 10x cheap outsourced labour to carry out menial tasks in bulk. Indeed it is Artificially bought Intelligence.

Enthusiast

People who got this far down the list.

Technocrat

A person who specialises in a specific field, who will be allowed to sit in public policy meetings but isn’t permitted to speak.

Target Audience

An approach involving population segmentation by targeting the masses until some group finally shows interest.

Traction

Getting thousands and millions of views on your online content BUT zero engagement because no one really gives a **** but yourself.

Scalable

Something you can throw money at to make it seem like it grew.

Unprecedented

An idea, event or moment that has repeated itself several times but was too irrelevant for people to acknowledge until some smart *** decides to announce it publicly as his own brainchild. 

Pivot

Moving onto a new venture once you’ve miserably failed at the previous one.

Deep Dive

An effective way to present result findings that have no clear solutions for solving a problem, but does create an environment for participants that forces them to yawn and eventually doze off.

Influencer

Majority of online creators who have massive following and even more massive egos but unfortunately couldn’t influence anyone even if they wanted to.

Customer Journey

Mapping out different stages of a consumer purchasing cycle and ensuring they lose money at every stage so you can present a line moving upwards on a graph in the next board meeting.

Sustainability

A process through which you make sure money keeps burning and business keeps churning.

Core Competency

Skills you never knew you needed to run a business.

Visibility

Adding brand logos on any material be it offline or online you can find to inform customers about your presence, only it doesn’t.

Big Data 

Large chunks of data that can be used to influence buyer’s decisions and if used correctly even steer an entire election to favour the candidate of your choice.

Ecosystem

Term used to promote the essence of community building, a walled garden so tall you won’t be able to escape it once you are hooked.

Reinvent The Wheel

The idea of never letting business transformation get in the way of using conventional and traditional practices to make an average business model above average.

User Experience

An experience that is called user-centric but tends to force end-users to perform any function that the company intends to.

Reference Point 

Coined to replicate the function of a trace paper that would let a user copy an existing product or a service and tailor it according to their business model.

Cutting Edge

The most advanced technology concepts that never make it to reality.

Cloud Computing

Computers that are installed in the clouds to halt the progress of rainy seasons, leading to poor farm yields and starvation.

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If it wasn’t clear enough to you, this list is made with satire in mind. Have fun with it, don’t knock yourself out though.


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